HOW DO I KNOW? THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO

Comes a new poll indicating that the number of Americans who say they have “a religious affiliation” has dropped from 70% in 2000 (where it had been holding steady since the first such poll in 1930) to 47% today.  As the song goes, “there’s something happening here, what it is ain’t exactly clear.”  Naturally, I have a theory.  Naturally, I blame the Republican Party.

Or, more precisely, I blame the racism and sexism that undergirds so much of American Christianity, which in turn serves as the foundation for Republican support.  If you zoom out a bit – well, there are a lot of patterns to see, and of course all of them make a difference.  But we’ve evolved a distinctive national religion, which mixes theology and politics into a stew that has increasingly little to do with anything in the New Testament. 

To some extent, such an evolution is natural.  When Christianity began to spread north and west, into what we now call Europe, the Church accommodated local pagan customs to some extent, in order to ease the newly Christianized tribes’ transition into a very different religion.  It was a smart strategy, since even monotheism, never mind complex theological issues like the Trinity and transubstantiation, must have been largely incomprehensible to these new “Christians.” 

And those accommodations didn’t end back in the days of conversion by the sword.  Take, for instance, the widely held (or at least, widely espoused) belief that God has a special love for America and Americans.  God’s original Chosen People had their chance, goes the argument, but the Hebrews were too stiff-necked to make the most of it.  Now Trump-loving evangelical Christians are the new Chosen People.  Surely God will extend his protection to them like he did with the Children of Israel back in the Old Testament days. 

To which I say, be careful what you wish for.  I wonder how many of those “American Exceptionalism Christians” have actually read much Old Testament, which is basically a history of God’s exasperation with his Chosen People.  Even the most famous OT incident of God intervening on behalf of the Hebrews – the parting of the Red Sea and the escape from Egypt – was followed by forty years in the wilderness.  The God of the Old Testament tried everything – patriarchs, kings, and prophets – with pretty with the same result.  No matter who God asked to ride herd on them, sooner or later His Chosen People fell into idolatry.  

Two thousand years later, it’s still happening.  The Republican Party worked for 25 years to weaponize its twisted version of Christianity, and what’s the result?  Trump supporters who are jockeying for positions of leadership in the Republican Party have turned to idolatry.  If some unholy amalgamation of Trumpism, Qanonsense, and evangelical Christianity catches fire, future historians may regard the 2021 CPAC convention as the modern equivalent of The Acts of the Apostles.  Lo, the spirit of the Holy Trump Family descended upon the multitudes, and everyone began speaking gibberish.

Seriously, the hit of the convention was an actual, literal graven image, a gilded statue of the Former Guy.  Apparently, none of the CPAC attendees were familiar with the Exodus narrative, and that unfortunate Golden Calf incident described in Exodus 32.  Or maybe this is one of those “take God seriously but not literally” arguments.  I mean, God was obviously peeved about the Golden Calf, but he didn’t say anything specifically about a Golden Jackass.    

Any Christians who think they can absorb Trumpism and QAnon without compromising essential articles of faith are kidding themselves.  If they knew anything about Christian history, they’d realize that this sort of co-optation has been tried – and didn’t work.  People like Trump were around in the First Century – e.g., Tiberius, who was emperor when Jesus was crucified.  Ditto for Qanon, once there was a Christian orthodoxy to deviate from (pick your favorite gnostic – Simon Magus, Valentinus, Marcion, Bogomil, whoever).  Emperors come and go, but it took early Christians centuries to purge the influence of successive waves of gnostic heretics.  Today’s Q-curious Christians will be just as susceptible to those twin heresies (paganism and gnosticism) as their predecessors in the 2nd century.

But this time, I suspect, it’ll be Q that absorbs this branch of Christianity, rather than vice versa.  The Q Believers have bored into this uniquely Republican version of Christianity like a termite colony.  They didn’t meet with much resistance, because there wasn’t much Jesus left in Republican Christianity.  The only reason they haul out their Bibles is to claim some unearned moral authority.  But what they really care about is earthly power.  Pro-gun, anti-mask.  Pro-tax cuts for the rich, anti-COVID relief.  Anti-abortion, but also anti-contraception, anti-funding pre-natal health programs, early childhood education, etc.  NASCAR and football stir the blood.  But don’t talk to them about turning the other cheek.

It may be that one of Trump’s tame preachers will come through with one of those famous personal revelations that allow them to ignore the actual text of the Bible.  “And it came to pass that Donald Trump gazed upon the graven image of Himself, and saw that it was good.”   

The thing that surprised me most as I watched these new Republican Christians over the past few years is that, for many of them, the Bible doesn’t seem to matter that much.  They can’t say that out loud, of course, but the implication is clear.  The argument seems to be that if God spoke directly to his prophets and apostles in Bible times, why would he stop before he raptures his believers?  Why leave a two-thousand-year gap in the narrative?  How do you know that God isn’t speaking to his people today in exactly the same way that he did in Bible times, but they’re just not listening?  And if that’s true, who are we to dispute some jake-leg preacher’s personal revelation?  (Or hallucination, or scam?)   

The truth is, the people behind both Trump and Q basically ignore the actual Bible, which has way too many nit-picky rules and way too few fun stories of God smiting their foes.   Soon enough, a lot of MAGA true believers will gravitate to a preacher (religious or otherwise) who’ll tell them to forget all that stuff about loving thy neighbor.  The whole point of Christianity is to get rich.  Or to smite people they don’t like.  Whatever the voices in the preacher’s head told him. 

And who knows?  Maybe God doesn’t care that much about graven images anymore.  In fact, given what we’ve learned about the private lives of some prominent evangelical leaders, quite a few of the traditional Ten Commandments may be up for reconsideration in Qristianity.  The commandments against lying and committing adultery will probably be the next to go, because Republicans obviously find them inconvenient. 

The Biblical Moses was so pissed off about the original Golden Calf that he smashed the tablets upon which God inscribed the original Ten Commandments.  But the most famous Qristians – I’m thinking of Paula White, Ken Copeland, people like that – aren’t going to jeopardize their gravy train.  They’re fatally compromised.

It took the early Church centuries to sort out the true Gospels from the false prophets, but for Qvangelicals, the only false prophets are the Libs.  The people behind the early Trump/Q movement made it up as they went along, which means they’ve left some loose ends.  That probably works to their advantage.  The Q stuff is vague enough to attract a broad spectrum of conspiracy theorists, from anti-vaxxers to Kennedy assassination buffs to sovereign citizen nincompoops.  “We hate everybody but us” may not be their motto, but it should be. 

I may not live long enough to see it, but the logical conclusion of the Qvangelical movement is a new codicil to the Bible – a New Improved Testament, though they won’t call it that.  Maybe the “Q Testament,” featuring excerpts from Trump’s speeches and tweets (printed in red), Q’s collected “clues,” and some yet-to-be-determined personal revelations from whichever pastors wind up on top in the new religion. 

In terms of revised ethical precepts, I think there’ll be a movement to drop the word “commandment” for most of the new rules.  The word “commandment” is kind of harsh, anyway.  Maybe they’ll save it for the really important rules – “Thou shalt have no other leader before Trump,” and “Remember the Second Amendment and keep it holy.” 

But all those annoying dietary rules, and the original Ten Commandments themselves that pop up in Exodus, Leviticus and Deuteronomy?  No reason to follow a set of behavioral precepts that are impossible to follow, or even understand, in a 21st century context. 

I have a feeling that the old Austin Lounge Lizards joke is about to come true.  Get ready for the Ten Suggestions.